The little snowman calendar says, "There are only 9 days left until Christmas!" Little does he know that every time he counts down yet another day as my children clap with glee, he is counting down to this baby's due date...a due date that I'm just not sure I'm quite ready for!
My last Christmas baby was born in 2000 and was induced early. This baby will not be induced. So, how do you prepare for a baby that may very well make its appearance ON Christmas Day?
My answer up until today was DO NOTHING. However, as time presses on and the contractions pick up, I am realizing that doing nothing really isn't a good answer.
One thing I have been putting off is packing a bag for the hospital. With holiday events and such, there is no telling where we will be when this baby decides to make his/her appearance, so a bag is somewhat imperative. However, bags have always been hard for me to pack since you need so many of the things you put in there on a regular basis. But, tonight I did make a list of the items I needed to put in the bag. A good start for me.
I also finished the baby's blanket. This was a new one for me. I had two colors of chenille that arrived in a box of diaper fabric some time ago. There was not enough to make a robe or something like that so with a little brainstorming by some MOMYS friends, I decided to make a quilt. Now I have NEVER made a quilt. But honestly, it turned out quite well. Tonight I put the binding on and called it finished (now let's hope no one decides to look closely at it! lol) And yes, it is blue... ;o)
We still need to put the legs back on the bassinet. We never put it away from Emily using it. However, when she used it toward the end of her little life, we did not have the legs on it. It has been sitting in the corner of our bedroom since her death.
Another thing we need to contemplate along the same lines is whether to use her swing or not. I am a very sight/sound/smell oriented person. After Emily's death, a friend was over and her son inadvertently turned on the swing. The sound of it going back and forth was more than I could handle. As soon as she left, I tore the swing down and packed it away so that could not happen again. I am not sure I will be able to bear that sound.
I also realized recently that I cannot put good ole Johnson & Johnson baby lotion on this baby. I put some on the other day and realized how deep the memories run with that one smell. We put copious amounts of baby lotion on her during her hospital stays, and when she died, the funeral director kindly ran to the store to buy us a bottle of lotion to put on Emmy before we dressed her. That smell belongs to her. So, I need to find a lotion that does not smell like that.
The car seat needs to be put in the van, but I hate to crunch the kids too early. They are already begging for a larger van...something that probably won't be an option until Spring.
So, those are my last minute projects. My tangible preparations if you will. But, tangible preparations are not all there is to preparing for a new baby.
In addition, there is an intellectual component. This is the part of preparing that involves reading, talking with others, and really researching
the kind of birth you want, the kind of parent you hope to be. This is where a
Birth Plan comes into play. However, one word of caution...midwives regularly attest to the fact that the mothers with the longest, most impressive birth plans are the ones who end up with the most interventions. Why? The only answer I've been able to glean is that a well-laid out birth plan often causes the mother to be unable to be flexible when a situation arises that is outside the parameters of her birth plan. When I told my OB that my plan was to not have a plan, she said she thought that was an excellent idea. No one truly knows how their birth will play out, and I would venture to guess that rarely does it follow the vision we've spent months hoping for. However, you still can have a wish list. It is good for your husband and your doctor to know what's on your wish list. Just as it is good to expect the unexpected and roll with it the best you can when/if it happens.
As far as what kind of parent you will be...well, I'll leave that up to you. If this is your first, you will more than likely do things much like your mother. If you've had a few little ones, you've probably stylized your parenting to something that better fits you and your family dynamics. I hestitate to tout one parenting style as better than another. The way our family does things works for us...it wouldn't work for someone who's life needs to be more scheduled or who's husband has different expectations than mine. You cannot expect the parenting style of Susie Whatsherbucket down the street to work for you if you do not live the exact same life she does. We all have things we must work around, concessions we must make, and life circumstances that prevent us from picking up the latest trend in parenting and fully adopting it as our own. So many mamas feel like failures because they can't seem to pull Parenting Style X off with 100% accuracy. So, here is where I give you full permission to ignore parenting labels and just be mama.
Another preparation we must all face is the physical side of things. There are all sorts of ways to prepare our bodies physically for the rigors of labor and delivery (birthing balls, red raspberry leaf tea, exercise, belly support), but ultimately those final days tend to be full of a whole lot of couch-sitting. Everything hurts, aches, keeps us up at night. So, the big physical preparation I do is simple relaxation. Relaxation is important no matter what kind of birth you will have. You need to know what relaxes you most. You need to know how to breathe deeply in times of stress. You need to know how to stay calm when things are tenuous. This is just as important during a natural labor as it is during a c-section and on into recovery afterward. I've even been known to use my relaxation techniques when they draw blood! Those early contractions that many of us deal with are a great place to start practicing our relaxation techniques. Mine have really picked up, so when I have one, I start breathing slowly and purposefully relaxing my stomach muscles that seem to tense naturally. I breathe in my nose and out my mouth and sometimes I even moan a bit if the contraction is particularly painful. I'll often close my eyes and find that by the time the contraction is over I am almost asleep I am so relaxed!
Lastly, is the emotional/mental side of birthing. We may not be able to fully prepare for the emotions we will be confronted with during labor and delivery and afterward, but we can take into account certain aspects of our lives that may give us a "heads up" if you will for what we may or may not encounter. What have been your past experiences? Has there been some trauma in your past that may come up?
For us, the obvious one is Emily's death. I know there will be many emotions to deal with from this one life-changing event and all I can do is be ready with verses committed to memory and prayers going with me.
What about the expectations of others or the expectations you have put upon yourself? Are there people in your life that you feel pressure from surrounding the birth of your baby? Maybe they think you should have stopped having children long ago, maybe they think there is only one way to birth and you'll feel like a failure if you do not have the birth they think you ought to have. When it comes to expectations, we have to be aware of what is important and what is not. One expectation I deal with is my stong desire for a VBAC. However, I have to understand that should it come down to my life or baby's life, a C-section may be needed. The important thing in that case is NOT the VBAC. So, take a look at the expectations put upon you. Which ones truly are important and which ones are not?
What about fears or hesitations you might have surrounding birth or raising a baby? The one I struggle with most is feeling as though I don't really know how to parent a baby. Yes, I know this is illogical because I have parented 5 babies and Emily's death had nothing to do with my parenting ability, but the fear is very real. I fear bringing baby home and not being able to trust my instincts. I fear the first time baby gets sick. I even fear losing myself to the fears because fearful is not how I would describe my parenting style, yet what if it becomes me? These are the things I must work through. In many ways, the only way to work through them is to go through them. Your fears may be something like fearing the pain of labor or fearing having a second child and not loving him or her as much as your first. As with my fears, the only real way to deal with them is be aware of them going into things and then deal with them as you go. The one thing you must avoid at all costs is dwelling on your fears. God is not the god of fear. You cannot allow your fears to consume you.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5
Preparing for a new baby carries with it so many things, so many emotions. Much of it is only for us mamas to bear. Daddies carry their own set of preparations that often involve thinking ahead...much further ahead than the intial birth of our little ones. Yes, many of us are blessed with husbands who are fully engaged in our labors and deliveries, but the things they prepare for are more along the lines of cutting the cord and not dropping the baby. For us mamas, there is a much deeper connection with labor and delivery. It is good for us to prepare. It is good for us to consider the things that could affect our births. It is good to deal with as much as we can ahead of time and then acknowledge a point where all the preparations that we can possibly do have been done and now we must leave the rest to our Lord.
So, as that little snowman counts down the days until Christ's birth~~and I can only imagine what Mary must have been feeling those days leading up to her Son's birth!~~I pray that I find a point where I have prepared as much as I can and have found rest in the safety and comfort of my Lord's arms.
Labels: Birthing, Pregnancy, Resources, The Grieving Mother
