The Benefits of a Birthday

Blake has been waiting for this day all his life. OK, maybe that is an exaggeration, but he has been waiting quite a while to turn 11.

Maybe you are wondering why a child would be excited about turning 11. It really isn't much of a milestone, is it? Nothing like 10 or 13 or 16. Oh, but contraire mon fraire...you don't know my son...



For today is a day to celebrate! No longer must my poor 5'3" baby boy eat off the kid's menu! (unless, of course, it is a "12 and under" restaurant!!)

8 Weeks Already?!

Yes, Micah is 8 weeks old today! He is such a joy and blessing to our family. I wanted to share a few of our favorite recent pictures of him.


Happy boy!



Sweet baby boy swingin'.




Melia lovin' on her baby brother!

It's Good to Be King

My friend, "Kranberry216" at My Heart of Hope read my post on our Queen Bed and had pity on us. It just so happened that her parents had a nearly new King mattress and box springs for sale. We jumped on the chance even though we weren't entirely for certain it would fit in our rather tiny master bedroom. A few weeks ago we picked up the bed and squeezed it into our room.

Then, came the moment of truth...we laid down in it. Just my husband and I. And the chasm between us was enormous! It wasn't long before a couple of children realized we had space to spare. Yet, the bed remained big enough. Another child straggled in and still the bed fit us all. Eventually all seven of us were in the bed, and while I won't say that it was big enough, there was a small piece of real estate for each of us.

Rarely is the bed this full, but baby does come to bed with us at some point in the night and there is plenty of room for this. Around 6am, we usually see one more child, but this addition is hardly noticeable.

It's good to be king!

It's Not About Me

There are times in your life when the Lord knocks you upside the head with a revelation and conviction so strong, you cannot ignore it. A burden on your heart so deep you are forced to face your sin head on and deal with it.

Today, I faced two such revelations. Both were tipped off by things I heard at church.

I was talking to Lynnette Kraft about her booksigning this past Saturday and the awesome testimony that had come from her little Anna's life and death. As she was speaking about how it was not about her and never has been, I realized there are times when I feel as though this grief I endure and the many blessings that have come from it are about me. I think that somehow I can say just the right thing or write the perfect blog entry so that *I* can touch lives instead of asking the Lord to use me so *HE* can touch lives.

I have been amazed by how my article, "The Me Time Myth" has touched so many lives. I was beginning to feel like *I* had done something to bring this about. Today, I was reminded that I prayed over that article and asked the Lord to use it. THAT is why it has done so well. Not of my doing. Not because I wrote a great article. Not because I put together just the right words in just the right way. The only thing I did was to allow the Lord to use me.

I was deeply saddened by this revelation. How did I get to the point where I had allowed so much "self" in that I had pushed the Lord out of the equation? I have to remind myself daily that I am a servent of the Lord most high. I have to be prepared every single moment of the day to be used by God for HIS purposes, not MINE! It's important that I keep myself out of the way, so my motives are pure and my heart is ready to do His will.

I've always struggled with thinking I had the strength within me to do things. I didn't want to be needy. However, for a whole year now, I've been very needy. So incredibly needy that the grace and mercy of the Lord has been made apparent at every turn. There could be no denying the Lord's hand in my life. Because of this fact, my heart was much softer and ready to be used by the Lord than before my child's death. However, as I've passed the year milestone and felt myself pulling out of this needy stage, I must have begun depending on myself too much again and believing I had it within me to say the right things without consulting the Lord first. Thankfully, the Lord brought this to my attention early on. What could have happened had I begun giving advice and spouting "words of wisdom" that were of my own concocting and not what the Lord would have me say (no matter how profound I may have managed to get them to sound). The Lord does not bless that sort of behavior.

The second revelation is an offshoot of the first and came from the sermon we had today on salt and light. I found myself thinking on this in context of an event that happened Saturday night. I heard a man speak about climbing Mount Everest and the spiritual feelings he experienced while on the mountain. He made the comment that he did not subscribe to any religion, but felt very close to God on that mountain. Romans 1 talks about how a knowledge of God is within us and how creation speaks of that knowledge. It was obvious to me that what he felt and attributed to a Buddhist influence was actually the presence of our Lord, the one TRUE God. When he said he did not subscribe to any certain belief system, I wanted to ask him why not. But, I held my tongue. There were other opportunites as well where I could have spoken out, not confrontationally, but just in a friendly discussion sort of way. Yet, I chose to remain silent and for that I am sorry. Was I ashamed of the gospel of Christ? Was I so concerned about stepping on toes that I didn't take a step at all? That opportunity is forever lost.

This morning as I returned to finish this post, I stopped briefly at my email to try to whittle away a few more. A friend and fellow homeschool mom had sent me a Mark Cahill e-newsletter with the following clip attached to it. The words this famous atheist speaks are powerful! Please take a moment to watch...



Did I hate this man who spoke of the beauty and supernatural qualities of a mountain? Did I hate this man who does not "subscribe" to any sort of religion? Of course not! But, my actions (or rather, lack of actions) suggests I do.

We are to be salt and light, preservation and guidance, bearers of truth. It's not about how comfortable I want to be or how profound I think my words must be. It's about allowing the Lord to use me in every life moment I experience. It is being so focused on Christ I cannot help but overflow with His words and His love. It's not about me at all.

“And He saith unto them, ‘Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.’”
Mark 16:15

Happy Emily Day!

It was a year ago today we buried our precious daughter. She was born on a holiday (July 4th) and her daddy felt it was fitting to bury her on a holiday. I remember thinking I would forever think of this day as Emmy's day.



I don't know St. Valentine, but I do know Emily. She showed us what true love is all about. She brought us closer to understanding the love our Lord has for us. We now know a self-sacrificing love that transcends any card and candy holiday. And even though it hurt my mama heart to let my daughter's tiny body be lowered into that grave, I know it was only her body. My Emily does not reside in the cold ground. She rests in the arms of Jesus.



We love you, Emily! Happy Emily Day!

Names in the Sand

On February 10th at sunset on an Australian beach, my Emily's name was written in the sand.

Born from the dreams of a grieving mother, this ministry has touched many, many lives. Please take a moment to visit Names In The Sand, and if you are a grieving mother, consider having your child's name written in the sand.

"The Inspiration for a Passion"

On the sidebar there is a sketch of Emily done by a family friend...15 year old, Abigail Kraft. The Sunday she gave us this sketch, I had driven to church in tears. It was a much needed gift. I had no idea until this week that my Emily had given Abigail a gift in return...

Emily ~ Inspiration for a Passion

I am so blessed to know that Emily's life and death continues to impact others.

February 10 ~ To Honor Emily

It has been a year, Emily. A whole year that you have been gone from us, and for that, we mourn. But a whole year in the presence of Jesus, and for that, we rejoice. We love you, Emmy. We miss you so much.

Tuesday

It is hard to wrap my brain around. On Tuesday, little Emily will have been gone a year. We will have come full circle and there will be no more "firsts".

Part of me feels as if it were yesterday when Ty and I raced out of Sarah's home and I ran into the ER with my dying child in my arms. It feels like yesterday that I watched the nurse shake her head and I knew Emmy was not coming back to me. It feels like yesterday I had to hand my baby girl over to a stranger.

And yet, there is another part of me that feels her death is so very distant now. Almost to the point where I wonder if it really happened to me. Is this what moving forward feels like?

I have begun saying "my 5 living children", b/c no matter how desperately I want it to be, I do not have 6 children living in my home.

I find myself anxious for Micah to be bigger than Emmy so that I can believe once again that not all babies die.

And I continue to grow in the Lord. The Refiner's fire...I count it a blessing. The Lord chose my husband and I to parent our beautiful little Emily for her short life time and then asked us to give her back to Him. None of this is without purpose.

And someday I will see her again. I will hold her again. The pain will be gone. Heaven is a sweet, sweet place for grieving mothers.

The Little Pink Scrapbook

I've found myself wanting to scrapbook more lately. This strikes me as odd considering that was what I was doing the night before Emily died and we are fast approaching February 10th.

I decided a while back to scrap all the way to when Emily got sick and quit there until I was ready. The little pink scrapbook will begin with her birth and end with her death.

I started working on the next scrapbook which begins after her death. It was much harder than I had imagined to begin that scrapbook. Probably because there are no pictures of Emily. About a week ago I forced myself to scrap the very first page in that book...The Irish Supper.

Tonight, I eased myself into scrapping in Emily's book by doing a fairly benign page--Megan's 7th birthday. We celebrated Megan's birthday in the cafeteria of the hospital. There was a nice little room at the back of the cafeteria that resembled an Italian courtyard. It was lovely and private. Megan received many nice gifts from people who knew that we were still in the hospital without the ability to shop for her. Emily is not in the pictures as she was upstairs in pediatrics under the watchful eye of her nurse. We did our best to make Meg's birthday happy and memorable.

I don't know what this next week holds for us. Lately, the ache I was feeling has eased. In fact, there are days when Emily's death seems so very distant. That bothers me. However, there are other moments when the flashbacks are so real and so painful, I feel as though it just happened. I can hardly comprehend that it was an entire year ago.

I also wonder about this little pink scrapbook. Will I ever actually finish it? Will I grieve when I do? I am a person who likes things completed; however, this is a project I'm not sure I want to end.

And as I order more pictures and move on to the red scrapbook, I cannot help but drag my feet. I am torn. I am the mother of a child who has died, yet I am the mother of children who live. I am caught between two worlds, between the past and the present. Once again, I find there is no Grief Manual to tell me what to do. I must figure it out as best I can. How often I pray, "Lord, help me take the next step wherever that may be."

Birth Order and Me

My mom owned a copy of The Birth Order Book by Dr. Kevin Leman and since my mom is a first born, I am absolutely positive she read it cover to cover. This summer, I had the privelage of hearing Dr. Leman speak at a Boy Scout conference. I decided to buy my own copy of his book because I've never been quite sure where I fit in.

You see, all my siblings are half siblings...some old enough to be my parents. My closest sibling is 14 years older and the only one who was still in the home when I was little. I knew the age gap kept me from being a true baby of the family, but beyond that I wasn't sure.

Well, turns out I am what Dr. Leman calls a Functional Only Child. My sister half-jokingly nicknamed me The Golden Child. However, she is often called The Pampered Princess as the baby sister of her full siblings, so really she has no room to talk (love ya, Penny!)

So, what does it mean to be a Functional Only Child? Well, apparently it means I am a self-centered, hyper-perfectionist, who likes to have things her way! HA! As a family friend says, "It's funny cuz it's true."

Yep, you got me. I have high expectations that rarely get met, I set the bar for myself and others out of reach in the name of seeking excellence, and I have a hard time thinking outside myself.

And I never feel quite "good enough".

This is one of those things that can easily hinder a believer's walk. Someone like me is always searching for ways to perfect what Christ has already done. I *should* be a better housekeeper. I *should* be a gentler mother. I *should* be perfect every moment of every day.

Yet, I can't.

You would think I would realize that my imperfection is exactly the reason I need the Lord's saving grace, but I struggle against this. I am a child of the King and yet I find myself discouraged when I can't do better.

Now, don't get me wrong...striving for excellence is an admirable thing and something the Lord is in favor of. But, perfection is NOT something He expects. In fact, He KNOWS I can never accomplish perfection on my own. And I will never accomplish perfection in this life. I can only strive to do things as unto Him. I can set goals and work toward them as long as the goal isn't to be perfect.

As for being self-centered...I think many, many people struggle with selfishness. Don't most of us want our way? Don't most of us think our ideas are the best? Don't most of us think the world would be better off if they would all just listen to us and follow our advice?!

However, I think selfishness becomes an issue when the whole day becomes a wash because something didn't work out how we would have liked it to. It becomes an issue when we find ourselves irate with someone who doesn't do things exactly as we would like. It becomes an issue when we can't roll with the punches and realize that the fact that not everyone is like us is OKAY.

The Lord wants us to consider others ahead of ourselves. That doesn't mean we never express an opinion, but it does mean we accept that we might not have all the answers.

Learning about how your birth order effects your decisions and your personality is important. I would encourage everyone to become familiar with the characteristics of first borns, onlies, middles, and babies because it explains a lot. However, there is no need to pigeon-hole yourself simply because you have a propensity towards behaving your birth order. I've learned to lower my expectations. I'm not perfect at it and still manage to find myself disappointed when something doesn't go "just so", but I much better than I used to be. I've learned to listen to others, ask them questions, and not always feel like I need to be the center of attention. And I've realized that the Lord saved me while I was yet a sinner, and if I am striving to live my life for Him, then I am doing exactly what I *should* be doing. His love isn't contingent upon how well I do at being perfect...just as my love toward my husband and children and others should not be contingent upon how well they do at living up to my less-than-realistic standards.

It's a tough lesson for us Onlies to learn. And you first-borns are right up there with us. In fact, I think it is these two groups who have the hardest time with the Me Time Myth. We're the ones who feel we need a break from all the imperfection around us. We can't think straight because we've bitten off more than we can chew and we still have to live our "real" lives when we'd rather our "real" lives would take a backseat to all our projects.

But, you can learn to let go. You can enjoy your "real" life with or without the projects. You can stop expecting everyone around you to live up to your expectations and still love them. You can learn to trust the LORD to be the finisher and perfecter of your faith.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."
Proverbs 3:5

The Picture to Prove It...

I finally took a moment to take a picture of little Micah smiling. As I said before...bliss!

Monthly Monday Poetry ~ February

Abigail at Random Ramblings of a Teenage Artist asked if I would join in her Monthly Monday Poetry challenge. I used to write quite a bit of poetry, but as I've grown older, I've gotten wordier. Poetry isn't supposed to be wordy. But, why not challenge myself to be creative and succinct at the same time?

As I worked through the poem below, I realized I do miss the beauty that can come from a dollop of alliteration and a smattering of adjectives. So, if you are feeling creative (and even if you are not!) consider sitting down and composing your own bit of poetry and adding it to Abigail's challenge!

Rejoicing and Remembering

I trace the lines of his face and drink in his downy head.
Searching for familiarity, I gaze long and deep.

With arms full again, he is a balm to my ache,
Always himself, forever a reminder.

A gift of beginnings bundled in blue flannel,
Tightly, we are woven in a dance of dependency.

Love swells as tears come full circle
My heart holds her memory, my hands hold him.
Amy Roberts 2009