The Blessing of Other People's Children

 

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"I love my own children, 

but I'm not as fond of other people's children."

Psalm 127 tells us that children are a blessing, a reward, something to be sought after and cherished.  Once the Holy Spirit opened my eyes and heart to this passage of Scripture, I never looked back...at least where my own children were concerned.

HOWEVER...
The quote above is a direct quote from...(nervous cough)...me.

MY children are great!  MY children are blessings!  But, other people's children?  Well, SOME people's children are blessings.  But, SOME people's children are, well, um...not so, um...well, you know.

Wait a second!  Am I really saying I think God only uses children as a reward and a blessing for SOME people and that for OTHER people they are a curse, or at best, a natural consequence?

Oh, I probably never truly spelled it out in those terms, but I do know for a fact I have been guilty of thinking there were people out there who "got pregnant on purpose" or people who had babies "they didn't deserve" or people who "should really stop having children."  All this from a woman who calls herself QUIVERFULL?  Apparently, I thought only myself and a select few were truly BLESSED by God...the rest ACCIDENTALLY got His blessings.  YIKES!

We embrace as blessings the children that enter into our own families, but shouldn't we also be embracing as blessings the children who enter into other people's families?  And shouldn't we, especially those of us who call ourselves quiverfull, be looking these children in the eye and telling them what little blessings they are?  Shouldn't we be speaking this aloud to their families?  If we truly believe the Lord is the one who opens and shuts the womb, then shouldn't we rejoice with every new life?

Now, I am sure some of you are saying, "What about those babies born out of wedlock?"  Well, let's take a moment to put this issue in perspective.  What was the sin?  The child being born?  NO!  As Christians, we really need to examine how we deal with these types of situations.  If we ever expect to effectively fight against abortion, we have got to stop seeing the children as part of the sin.

And what about those Christian families who just don't seem to be able to handle the children they have?  If they are letting the Lord build their house, then who am I to say how many children they should or shouldn't have?  I wasn't winning any parenting awards when the Lord gave me more children!  For that matter, I'm not winning any parenting awards right now, either!

So, my perspective has changed.  Not only are MY children little blessings, but so are OTHER PEOPLE'S children.  And I intend to tell them so!

*****
You can also find me today at The Homeschool Classroom!

Enjoying YOUR Quiverfull

Quiver & Arrows

Psalm 127:3-5
Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.

We are what some people call QUIVERFULL. The term is used to describe any family who leaves their childbearing completely in the Lord's hands. This means no birth control, no sterilization, and no Natural Family Planning; no prevention of any kind.

But, what about PROMOTION? Does God want us to try to conceive? And, let me take it one step further...does He want us to use interventive methods to cause us to conceive?

These are all questions that the Quiverfull-minded family has to consider because there may come a time when the babies don't just "automatically" come every year or so. You may find yourself overwhelmed by the Baby-A-Year Club, only to find yourself frustrated when you don't conceive within your "normal" time frame.

However, this is where the rubber meets the road in the quiverfull walk. If you believe the Lord controls when you conceive, then you HAVE to believe the converse: the Lord controls when you DON'T conceive. In fact, I would suggest that for the quiverfull woman, having a baby every year is not nearly so difficult as going through a period of time when the babies aren't coming at all.

You can read my Quiverfull Journey here (parts 2 & 3 talk about my time when babies weren't coming):
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Do I believe a woman should NEVER seek methods to promote conceiving? NO. I think the Lord expects us to keep our bodies in working order, but we must be careful that we are not trying to usurp the Lord's authority. What are our motives? Remember, the Lord's plans are not always (dare I say, RARELY) immediately evident to us. So, we really must seek all interventive methods with much prayer and diligent introspection of our hearts.

Another issue that will more than likely rear its ugly head at some point during our childbearing years is something I call The Conception Competition. Even something as pure and good as being quiverfull can turn sour in our sinful human hands. We all know what this Race to Conceive looks like and feels like. We want to "keep up with the Duggers." We don't want another quiverfull family to "beat us" We find ourselves thinking, "Whatever will I do if ______ (name of another quiverfull mama) gets pregnant before I do?" Jealousy is never far from the surface.

It is perfectly natural for a woman to desire children, but when bearing children becomes our sole focus, the essence of truly being quiverfull is lost. The verse reads, "Happy is the man that hath HIS quiver full of them." (emphasis mine) We are not all going to have the same quiver. The Bible clearly warns us against comparing ourselves amongst ourselves (2 Cor 10:12). This only leads to jealousy and sinful behaviors. If we are totally trusting the Lord with our family size, then we MUST be content with our family size at any given point in time.

We cannot spend our time being jealous of others or feeling as though we are less-than-quiverfull because we "only" have X-number of children. We must wholeheartedly enjoy OUR particular quiver. We cannot assume that since we have been having a baby a year that that trend will continue. God does not "guarantee" your fertility.

And having babies IS NOT a status symbol. Children are not "points" you "collect", they are blessings you receive from the Lord. We must appreciate each and every one for the individuality of their particular blessing. Showing off will only taint your quiverfull testimony.

Lastly, let your babies be babies. Enjoy every second you have with each of your little blessings. Should the Lord bless again, wonderful! Should He not, you have not spent so much time focusing on a future baby, that you have neglected the babies you do have.

It all comes down to TRUST. Do you trust the Lord to be the author of YOUR perfect plan? THAT is the essence of being quiverfull. So, please enjoy YOUR quiverfull!

Becoming Quiverfull Part 4

Part 4 of 4

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

I feel now as if I am mid-journey. I can see where I've been, I feel contented with where I am going.

I understand that being quiverfull DOES NOT mean being a baby machine. It doesn't even mean you'll have a large family.

I realize you cannot tell a quiverfull family by the number of children they have in tow. I am still shocked by the number of families I know who have had 6 children by ACCIDENT!

Of course, even the term "by accident" isn't correct. God does not do anything "by accident."

Being quiverfull means you trust God completely to give you the exact amount of arrows that fill your particular quiver.

You see, each of us has a specific sized quiver. Our quiver size is determined by the mission we have in life. The piece of the puzzle that is ours, if you will. Some quivers are filled with 1 child and some quivers are filled with numerous children. The family with 1 child (or no children) is not any less important than the family with 14 children. God has a different plan in mind for the two families and we cannot judge ourselves against other's standards--only against God's standards.

The question you must ask yourself is this: Do you trust Him with a little or do you trust Him with ALL?

I can give you all the little anecdotes in the world about how God made your body to work a certain way and when you "get fixed" you are really getting "broken." I can tell you how birth control pills act as an abortifacient since their secondary purpose is to make your uterus an inhospitable place should a child "accidentally" be conceived. I can call into question your pro-life stance when you aren't accepting of the blessings God has for you. But ultimately, what it comes down to will not be how much guilt I can heap on you, it comes down to your willingness to trust.

Have I finally arrived because I am quiverfull? Absolutely NOT. Do I feel animosity toward anyone who is not? Absolutely NOT. Do I think I'm a better Christian because I am quiverfull? NO.

Being quiverfull is a conviction--not a lifestyle choice or something you do only when it suits your fancy. Being quiverfull is not easy, but hey, being a Christian isn't easy either.

To date, we have 4 children. We have had long breaks between babies and short breaks between babies (our last two being only 16 mons apart). I still continue to suffer from morning sickness, but that too is to God's glory. We are actually excited to see what God has in store for our family. Is our quiver full at 4? Will there be more babies? Will they come sooner or later? This attitude toward babies has made our children rejoice at the birth of a new brother or sister. They don't loathe their siblings. They know that children are cherished and treasured because mommy and daddy see them as blessings. They know they weren't accidents or something that inconvenienced us because they know we believe each and every child is a gift--a precious, precious gift.

To conclude this chapter in my personal journey, I want to be sure to say that I am NOT the Holy Spirit. I am NOT trying to convict you, I am simply asking that you look to His Holy Word as THE GUIDE for your life. Pay no attention to what modern man thinks. The Bible, and only the Bible, should be where you look for truth.

May God be glorified in the recounting of this journey.

Becoming Quiverfull Part 3

Part 3 of 4

Part 1

Part 2

In November of 2003, I gave up. I told God I couldn't do it anymore. It was up to Him. I wasn't going to "try" to get pregnant. If I did--fantastic. If not--that was okay too. I surrendered control of my fertility 100% to Him.

2 days after Christmas as DH and I were doing some after Christmas shopping, we drove past an Applebees and my stomach lurched. This wasn't the first time in the past couple of days this had happened, but every time it happened I dismissed it as holiday overeating. This time, though, I quipped, "You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd think I was pregnant." I said this because there was absolutely NO way I could have been pregnant. During my fertile time, I had had strep throat and Ty was still living on the post. I had "seen" him 1 time and it was NOWHERE near that time of the month. We laughed and drove on.

A couple of mornings later (he was back on post by this time), I realized as I lazily rolled out of bed that I was not my usual jump-out-of-bed-with-both-feet-running self. So, I took a pregnancy test just for the fun of it. I had invested in a large quantity of pregnancy tests from another Quiverfull mama, so it wasn't uncommon for a friend to call me up and ask for a pregnancy test. And as many of you know, when there is a test just sitting there, it is almost as if you can hear it calling your name! However, since I didn't "feel" pregnant, I was almost for certain the test would be negative. I dipped the test strip, looked at it and only saw a control line, so I pitched it. Then I realized I wasn't sure how the tests were supposed to work. I checked an internet site and read that you are supposed to wait 5 minutes! I dug the test out of the trash and there it was staring me in the face....2 lines!

My first thought was...it is December...the due date is in September...no, dear God, no!

I stood in the bathroom and cried and panicked and wondered if I could get a hold of my husband. I did manage to reach him and through frantic tears told him I was pregnant and I was just sure the baby wasn't going to live because I didn't feel pregnant. He told me to call the doctor and call him back a bit later, he would be coming home that night.

I called a friend and bawled on the phone to her. She offered to come over and drive me to the doctor's office where they would draw blood to check HCG levels. The levels came back within normal for a pregnancy. Another blood draw was set for 2 days later. It came back normal as well. Still I was not convinced. I refused to get "attached" to this baby. I refused to believe I would ever see this baby.

The day I took the test, I sat on my back steps and cried out to God, "WHY???" I clearly felt Him say, "To fufill My promises." At the time, I remember thinking, "What? I don't understand." But a few days later, I realized what that meant. For a long time I had prayed that God would send me a surprise pregnancy and that He would send me a September baby to heal the hurt surrounding that month. I knew in my heart He would do these things, but I had forgotten those prayers until then. But even despite this, I continued to believe that this pregnancy would end as well. Here is an excerpt from my pregnancy journal...

I still find myself wanting to be pg despite the fact that I've resigned myself to pretending I'm not so I don't have to suffer anymore. I removed the due date from the calendar. I feel like I'm just waiting for it to be over.

However, little happinesses kept happening...my sweet daughter brought me a library book she had picked out called "Rabbit Inn." by Patience Brewster. All the animals at the inn were getting ready for some very important guests, but no one knew who these guests were. We read about 3/4 of the way through it before bed one night. Later I picked up the book to see for myself who these guests were. The important guests were BABY BUNNIES! A few days later, my daughter tells me should would like a baby sister--she didn't even know I was pregnant!

At about 5.5 weeks, I called the nurse and asked to come in one more time for a blood test just to ease my mind. As I was leaving the office, my doctor stopped me and asked if I wanted to take some progesterone. She said there wasn't a lot of proof that it helped, but she wanted to give me whatever reassurance she could. So, I took them. The nurse called the next day to tell me that the levels were over 12,000 and that the baby's heart was now beating and it was time to do a sono! Here is what I wrote...

Why don't I feel more relieved? I asked God to break the news to me gently with this last blood test. God is sovreign over all and able to make my pregnancy any kind He wants. He's even able to knit a child not expected to make it a little tighter. I want this baby, but I'm afraid of getting attached and then losing him/her. How do I survive this, Lord? What should my attitude be? Should I rejoice for the life you've given and leave it at that until I know otherwise? Or do I hold back emotions so I can deal better if it happens. It will hurt no matter what. Lord, what do you want?

At 6 weeks 1 day, we saw the baby via sonogram! It was this beautiful little peanut of a person with a strong heartbeat. But, still I worried and feared. I lived every second of every day in fear. I prayed for morning sickness and it came--fast and furious. I finally ended up taking Zofran to cope, but even it didn't do anything but take the edge off. So, now my days were spent waffling between holding down the couch in near delirium to feeling somewhat normal and being petrified with fear because I felt normal. It was debilitating. But I was afraid of not being afraid. What if I stopped fearing and then lost this baby? It I didn't spend my days in fear, I would not be prepared for the baby's death. So, I continued to live in fear.

Then, on my son's 6th birthday, something changed. Here is what I wrote that day...

Tomorrow is 13 wks...The fear is still very real and the feeling that disappointment and agony are lurking at every corner is at times numbing. I pray a lot for God to remove these fears that must be the work of Satan...God is NOT a God of FEAR. He is the Great Comforter. This is a testing time for me...I cannot determine life and death simply by feelings. God is Lord of ALL--even this tiny baby...Went to Revival tonight and he talked about having a stillborn daughter and how months down the road they had to rebuke the fear they held.

This evangelist had no idea what was going on in my life. As he spoke, I sat there and bawled. That night, I laid all that fear to rest at Jesus' feet. I set it down and left it there in that tiny country church. I knew I had a fight ahead of me because Satan would not want me to have this kind of victory in Christ, but I was prepared to stand against him in the name of Jesus!

The next day I had my 13 week OB appointment. The nurse couldn't get a heartbeat. She went to get the doctor. As we waited, I was peaceful. God was truly in control, not me. The doctor came in, trying to keep a cheerful attitude. She laid the doppler on my belly and immediately we heard the familiar "Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh." Praise God! The baby was alive!!!

At 39 weeks and 6 days, I went into labor and 3.5 years after we were convicted, our 1st Quiverfull baby was born--a beautiful 9# 14 oz baby girl! The name we gave her means God's Sweet Promise.

A few days later, the same friend who had driven me to the doctor that first day, came by to meet the baby. She bent down and whispered into her bassinet, "You don't know how much your mama wanted you or how long she's waited for you."

(Continue to Part 4)

Becoming Quiverfull Part 2

Part 2 of 4

Part 1

DH had quietly waited all those years for God to work in my life. I knew now that this was definitely God's will. I firmly believe that God will ALWAYS convict your husband too when He wants something of this magnitude to happen in your family. Yes, you may feel convicted and really really really want to implement your convictions right away, but there is an order of household and you are not at the top. It may just be that God needs you to be ready to step up to the plate when the time comes. But, whatever you do--DO NOT NAG, DO NOT PLAY THE MARTYR, and DO NOT BAD MOUTH HIM TO EVERYONE because he isn't as "good of a Christian" as you are.

So, back to my story...

From that point on, I searched and searched for other families like us. I couldn't find any in the town we were living in. There were some large families, but none that were fully and completely leaving their family planning up to God. I found a large online community at MOMYS & Quiverfull. On MOMYS, there is a posting rule that you must have 4 children ages 8 and under to actually post, but you can be a Read-Only member. Since, my children were only 4 months and 3 years, I felt for sure it would only be a matter of a couple of years before I would be a real live MOMYS.

Meanwhile, I posted to the Quiverfull digest, but I often felt left out. Here were all these people with 5, 7, 10 kids and me, with my measly 2, had not a clue what life must be like logistically with all those littles! I began to be concerned only with making babies. How quickly could I get pregnant, so we could get this show on the road?!

As the months wore on, I still wasn't pregnant. I slowed on how often I was nursing the baby and finally weaned her altogether at 1 year because I thought that must be what was "holding me back" from getting pregnant again. No one would ever know I was quiverfull if they didn't see me with a ton of kids!!! I wanted the whole world to be able to SEE our convictions. I wanted the tactless comments, so I could pontificate upon the joys of having scads of children. Why wasn't God working with me here?!

Shortly after the baby turned 1, Ty received a call from the U.S. Government. His unit was being deployed for what turned out to be a year long tour of duty. If anyone cares to do the math...I was convicted when baby was 4 months...Ty was deployed when baby was 12 months. Had I become pregnant right away, DH would have been out of the country, unable to come home for the birth. So, God does know more than me! ( Jokes aside, I am so very grateful God did not allow me to have a child during that time. Ty is a HUGE part of every pregnancy and delivery--neither one of us could imagine him not being there.)

Ty came home shortly before Christmas. 2 days on U.S. soil, and I was pregnant! 2 months into the pregnancy, Ty was deployed AGAIN. This time to a stateside post 2.5 hours from our home. 1 month after that, I went for a routine OB visit and the nurses couldn't find a heartbeat. I was whisked to the sonogram room where I saw a tiny malformed baby with no heartbeat lying motionless in my uterus. I was 13.5 weeks. After waiting a few days, it was clear my body had no intention of letting go of this child any time soon and a D&C was scheduled for St. Patrick's Day. The doctor checked via sono one last time to make sure baby was truly dead and then proceeded with the surgery. I was terrified and when I came out of the anesthesia, I had my first and only stress-induced asthma attack.

As I recovered in the little curtained-off room, I decided I wanted this all behind me. I wanted to pretend as if I had never been pregnant. I felt I had wasted my time with a baby that was never going to live. I was angry at God. I was angry at the world. I didn't want to face the pitiful looks on people's faces when I came home. I just wanted to be normal...not the girl who had yet another miscarriage. I also wanted to get on about the business of getting pregnant.

Ty was still deployed, but I was seeing him on a fairly regular basis. I made sure to time my visits with my most fertile time, but once again, pregnancy alluded me. The baby's due date began to creep nearer and nearer and there was no new little life to help me cope with it.

September 2003 was a hard month for me. Both of the miscarriages had been with September babies. I felt as if September was jinxed and I had a distinct fear of getting pregnant near Christmas because of when the due date would be. I cried nearly every day of September and begged God for another baby.

I felt forsaken. I had given my family planning over to God and He had given me NOTHING in return.

(to be continued in Part 3)

Becoming Quiverfull Part 1

Part 1 of 4

A rather lively discussion on birth control has been circulating on our local homeschooling loop. The discussion of birth control in Christian circles inevitably involves a discussion of being quiverfull, so I thought I'd share my own story here.

Before I married my wonderful husband in 1996, we were required to have a few pre-marital counseling sessions. On the line of our little pre-marital worksheet where it said How many children will you have...I wrote 3. I had always wanted 6, but 3 sounded more "reasonable". Somewhere in there I vaguely remember my soon-to-be husband mentioning that he didn't think birth control was necessary. I wrote off his comments as not fully understanding the gravity of having children "too soon," and under the advisement of well-meaning family members, I started popping The Pill. However, within a few months, my biological clock was ticking and I began to "miss" a pill here and there. By 6, I had quit them altogether.

I truly expected to be pregnant immediately. But by May I still wasn't pregnant and I was beginning to be a wreck. When I brought my concerns to my husband, he simply said, "It'll happen when it happens." I grit my teeth and tried to remain calm while vowing to just give up. On our 1 yr anniversary I became pregnant and the following February I gave birth to an 8# 15 oz baby boy! At my 6 wk appointment, the doctor handed me a pack of pills and off I went doing what was expected of me.

Now, let me tell you, this little boy was a bundle of energy! He never stopped moving! And as he grew, he never stopped talking!!! (Don't know where he got that from! lol) I tried my best to keep up with him, but there were many nights when I fell into bed crying because I was the world's worst mother. There were no missing pills on this watch--not only could I not handle another baby, I didn't deserve one! Just when I had gotten used to the idea of only having one, my dh said, "Don't you think it's time we tried for a sibling?" After about a month, the idea began to grow on me and I put away the pills.

Within 6 weeks I was pregnant! I was excited by the fact that I didn't seem to be plagued with the horrible morning sickness I had experienced the first go-round. But, as I reveled in this, I had an uneasy feeling. I caught myself reading the Miscarriage section of What To Expect When Expecting. I noticed that I just didn't even "feel" pregnant. At 8.5 weeks, as I was taking laundry out to be hung on the line, I began to bleed. I knew immediately it was over. I mourned for days and weeks and resolved to begin trying again right away.

Within 6 weeks I was pregnant again! But this time, the innocence was lost. I no longer felt blissfully happy. I was a nervous wreck constantly checking pregnancy signs, spending countless hours on the PG after MC boards analyzing myself, and crying every time I didn't "feel" pregnant. I was afraid to believe that all was fine until I made it past the 9 week mark, by which time I was throwing up so much and so often that I am amazed I had time to even consider whether or not I would carry to term.

On top of the horrid morning sickness, I was depressed. I became obsessed with getting my tubes tied after the baby was born. I brought my demand to my OB's office one day (a new OB who was renowned for having a high VBAC success rate). My doctor, who has 8 children of her own, literally said, "NO." My husband begged me to give it 3 years before making such a decision. I thought they had ganged up on me, and I was miserable knowing that I could be pregnant again before the 3 long years were up!

That December, our precious baby was born VBAC. And even after 4 hrs of pushing, I remember thinking, "I could do this again!" I went home fully functional.

As the next few postpartum months went by, I began to notice large families. They seemed to be everywhere. They were in the magazines I was reading, they were at the grocery store and in church. I felt drawn to them. I was curious about their lives. I began to notice that many of them homeschooled. But the one thing that struck me was how much fun they seemed to have just doing things together. Then I met a family who was moving out of a house we were considering renting. As I drove up to the place, I saw what looked like a million children all running around the yard. One of the older boys stopped what he was doing and introduced himself and then took me in to introduce me to his mama and daddy and show me around the place. There in the kitchen sat his mother obviously pregnant packing boxes of food and looking contented and serene. I stared at her. I wanted what she had. I never felt serene, and I only had 2 children!

That night I went home and began searching the internet for anything on large families. I came across several websites that mentioned the word QUIVERFULL. Then I happened across Nate & Paula Wilson's website and an article entitled "The Case Against Birth Control." I remember thinking, "WHAT?! There's nothing wrong with birth control! We're not supposed to have baby after baby!" But I was so intrigued by yet another huge family, I decided to read on. Little by little, God worked on my heart and I began to see where this was what God wanted for our family.

I sat there in front of my computer in the wee hours of the night and prayed and cried--not because I repentant, but because I didn't want this conviction. I was the last person who needed to have more babies! I am awful at being pregnant! Aren't these sorts of convictions for people who have easy pregnancies? Oh, but wait! A back door! I am supposed to be submissive and my husband will NEVER go for this!

So, the next morning I ambushed him with, "Honey, I think God wants us to leave our family planning up to him." I had a teeny weeny smirk on my face, knowing I was about to hear the words that would save me from certain doom...and then he said,

"Yeah, I agree."

HUH?!

"I've thought that all along."

HUH?!

(Continue to Part 2)